Month: October 2009

I will start this post with a disclaimer…I am just beginning my journey into seeking out the answers.  I do not pretend to know everything or even enough little things to make any sense, but I do have lots of questions.

First, I will tell you that I am not doubting God or Salvation or HIS great love for you and me!  I believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God: true, immutable, steadfast, and unchangeable.  However, I still have questions and conflicts and this feeling of being taffy pulled over issues that have been debated over the years but mostly swept into the corners that are found within our Theological walls.

In the past I’ve been one to go with the flow on these issues, repeat what I’ve been taught, not question much or really wrestle with theological concepts.  However, recently, due to circumstances you really don’t want details about, I have been most fascinatingly swept onto this path for God’s Truth on some tough questions that aren’t really ‘cut and dry, easy shmizy, got it all wrapped up in a great little answer’ type of questions.  These questions that I’ve asked have more of an answer like, ‘yea well there’s lots of grey area and the ‘church’ doesn’t really have a specific stance on the issue for ALL situations’ or ‘There are many interpretations of scripture on that but more importantly is what is God saying to you’ or actually kind of more disturbing are the answers that are strictly Black/White, cut and dry, ‘this is the way that it is’ type of answers that actually create more questions for me that are unanswerable by others.

Are you following me? or am I making you question now?  Good if I am, you need to be set a little off balance, it does a spirit good!

The questions I’ve been asking fall into the ‘sticky situation’ category, like Homosexuality(DNA or choice?), Baptism(child or adult?), Speaking in Tongues(for NOW or THEN?)  These are not the one’s I’ve been grappling with but mine fall into the same “sticky” category.  The one that the Church debates about, the ones that EVERYONE has an opinion about, the ones that God’s word isn’t ‘clear on the surface’ or may look clear but if you look closer, its really not. 

The questions I  have, have driven me deep into God’s word for answers.  Deeper than what you read in scripture, deep enough to get to the bottom and discover there is no bottom.  Deep enough that I’m not satisfied and want education and direction and will not stop until I have an answer that suffices. 

Oh my, this post is really getting us nowhere, you are probably thinking that I’ve clearly lost it, I must be having a crisis of faith and you may even be calling the crisis team to send help my way.

Let me assure you, just the opposite has happened.  I’ve taken up WAITING in the presence of God.  Some of you may call this ‘wasting time’ but according to Sue Monk Kidd “While the Heart Waits”, there are untold transformations that happen in the WAITING, even if you don’t see immediate results..(get the book).  I have a greater appreciation for those that seek to provide truth in their messages to the masses. It takes time and determination to uncover the hidden mysteries of the Word of God.  And “this time” has brought me to a place where I know I can not stop.  I am looking into online Master Degree programs that will give me the education necessary to ‘properly’(according to my own core value) interpret and dissect the Word of God.  You see, I can’t just stop and accept what others are telling me, I have to know in my very core what is truth and what is God’s heart for my situation.  I will find it, I will persevere, I will uncover the answers.  I trust God to bring them and lead me to the place he has called me to be, to uncover the mysteries that need to be uncovered and to perhaps share them with people like myself.

What do you question?

“What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true.” Job 3:25, Tracy 8/11/09.

It is true, I  had some fears.  Fear used to be an active participant in my life.  I welcomed it years ago as just who I was.  Things made me scared. I accepted it as an obstacle I was destined to live with forever.  I just figured with each part of good comes an equal part of bad and fear was that part which was sewn into the hem of my life.  Something that couldn’t really be removed.  It didn’t have to make me debilitated but I figured it would always be there, a thorn in my side.

I don’t know if you’ve been watching Biggest Loser this season. I catch bits and pieces of it but was mesmerized by it the other night.  One of the participants was totally, physically capable of jumping up onto a step, but she could not overcome the obstacle.  She tried and tried, always coming up short and unable to jump and land with both feet  on top.  Much of the episode focused on her attempt after failed attempt to jump!  Her mind was stopping her from doing something so simple.  I’ll admit I watched with judgment at first.  Just jump on the darn step!  Honestly, it was rather short, not very daunting and ANYONE should be able to jump up on it!  I’m sure my children could, my parents, even the old lady that lived in the shoe could have jumped up onto the thing!  But then my judgment turned to UNDERSTANDING!  Fear, dread of the ‘what-ifs’, obstacles that were keeping me captive….ALL IN MY MIND…holding me back from doing what I was totally capable of doing.  Being free from undercurrents of fear.  It’s not the obstacles that keep us unable to overcome, it is our minds that stop us. 

Which brings me back to Job.  Job’s life sucked.  ‘Have you considered my servant Job’.  God knew Job’s heart, He knew his  mind, He knew that Job would be a survivor, he would come through no matter what the task, and ALL glory would be to God.  That is indeed the truth about Job, however, Job started his journey with a revelation that what he had always feared, what he had dreaded had come true.

I, too, have come to a similar revelation.  There has been death to a dream, grief of what could be. I shared with Job this understanding in August.  But alas, it was also the END to fear!  With the death of my hearts hope, came life to my spirit!  Freedom to live the life God had scripted from the beginning of time. 

I had a change in my understanding.  I no longer saw fear as an obstacle but as a stepping stone!  No longer did my life have to have fear sown into its hem and weigh me down, but I had been created to be a conqueror, a woman of beauty, freedom and modesty, founded in Christ Alone! 

From Matthew Henry’s Commentary:

“Nothing will make trouble easy so much as the testimony of our consciences for us, that, in some measure, we did our duty in a day of prosperity; and an expectation of trouble will make it sit the lighter when it comes. The less it is a surprise the less it is a terror.”

I don’t fear because I now understand that trouble will come, so I await the bumps, I anticipate the let downs, I know they will come, but the difference is that my mind is ready, my body is willing and my spirit is prepared.  Fear turned to freedom.