Sharing My Heart

I bet you don’t trust God for reals….

Faith.  A complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

I would have sworn up and down that I am a woman of faith!  Honestly, I trust.  I trust, probably to my own fault sometimes because I can trust things I shouldn’t trust but I also know that beyond all things I have Faith in God!

This morning I realized my faith is WEAK.  Sooooo weak!   I don’t have complete trust or confidence in God.  Sure, you can read HERE and I bet you’d say that woman has BIG Faith.  But don’t let that fool you.

Life is hard, right? In general, we have ups and downs and when we have downs they suck.  Some downs are bigger then others, like finding husbands dead or financial bankruptcy or serious health issues, or (insert your big issue here).  Now these BIG things seem to me, to be easier to trust God for because they are so insurmountable to me that I have absolutely NO OTHER PLACE to go for assurance than God. Easy.  I profess faith in Jesus Christ and because of that as a Christian I’m to trust God for these BIG things and so somehow, I easily trust and abide when death lurks around the corner or certain destruction is imminent. I call on God to move the mountain and HE shows up and my faith is strengthened and my pride is puffed up (blech) because I TRUSTED.

But what about the downs in life that are smaller and sometimes more drawn out and a bit more irritating even.  Like personality conflicts or broken pipes or long winters or tight fitting clothes or not enough time or (insert your little thing here) .

As I sat down to bible study today I started my worship playlist and listened to this song and I was immediately taken back to March 24, 2017-March 30, 2017 when I had this and the other songs on this album on repeat constantly!

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that at the mention of the name of Jesus that everything would be OK. I knew He would be with me and with Brek and that He would be all we needed. We would be OK.  I had no doubt, no fear…just a gentle peace and a trusting heart in The Provider, everything we ever needed Jesus supplied. We would be OK.

These words “You’re here, wonder working power, everything you breath on, coming back to life”  hit me flat in the chest today and I couldn’t breath.  You see I had some bumps in my road the last 24 hours, just little things that fall into the category of things God doesn’t want to bother Himself with in my life. Ya know, the things I should be able to sort out on my own.  They aren’t mountains that can’t be moved without faith, they are the things that if I just changed a little bit here or helped someone out there, then it will work itself out.  Right?

NO>>>>>>this is not faith.  This is not COMPLETE TRUST OR CONFIDENCE.  This is “God you got the big stuff, I’ll handle the little stuff because You don’t need to be bothered by the things that surely I can handle” theology.

NO>>>>>>>this is not faith.  Cherry picking when I sing “You are my strength you are my anchor and you never fail“.  Only in the times when I can’t do it myself?!  What the heck kind of messed up heart is that?

Ya’ll, I am nothing without Jesus.  I confess to you that at times I think I can handle some things without Jesus and when I do, I flail and toil and get frustrated and peace is no where.  Oh Jesus, let my heart want for only you!

I bet you don’t trust God for reals either.  I am guessing that as you read this you are convicted that you have some things that you just handle on your own with out any faith in God for because, well lets be honest the God of the Universe doesn’t need to bother himself with your mid-life tight fitting  jean irritation or that annoying relationship you struggle with.

Please friends, join me today in renewing your commitment to believing that at the mention of the Name of Jesus EVERYTHING chain will break and everything we let Him breath on comes back to life.  Jeans may not instantly fit better but you can turn to the God of all Creation for the strength you need today to step away from the cookie.  You can submit your bumpy relationships to the One and Only Living God to be present in your conversations and you can TRUST Him, put all confidence in Him, for the little things because lets face it His way is better then our feeble ways at trying to sort out this silly life.

Today, I submitted every little irritating detail, each person I’m concerned with, all the small things that I’m working hard on to rectify in my life and decided that I will have FAITH.  Real trust, real confidence in the Someone who cares and gave His very life for mine.

Thank you Jesus.  Be my Everything.


A Prayer for my Son

This has been a really tumultuous year. (defined as: marked by disturbance and uproar; excited. confused, or disorderly.)


It started out with the deepest snow winter I’ve experienced in Central Oregon in the last 16 years.  I love snow but this was ridiculous….it just kept coming.  We had to tend to our roof, for fear of it caving in, we shoveled our 1/8th of a mile driveway 3 times and it was cold and depressing.

Then Trump became president.  This is not for or against, its just plain weird.  Celebrity Apprentice host becomes new tweet obsessed president…weird, not normal.

Then more snow.

Then my daughter starts thinking seriously about changing schools from the school she has been attending since she was 4, with 11 kids in her class, to a public high school with close to 2,000 attendees.  Not a bad thought, just different, not our norm.

March 24, 2017, one day before our 5 year wedding anniversary, I find my husband dead in the bed.  I’m not startled to say that anymore, its a fact, it carries no post-traumatic stress with it (Thank you God for the faith you imparted to me, may I never depart from your presence), its part of our normal, which is weird and not normal.  He lived and we are ever changed by it.

Then a personal life struggle/sin/stronghold was graciously flushed out and by the Grace of God I am free and forgiven.  The darkness found the light and it changed everything for me, for my husband, for my family, for my business.  God is THAT good.

Abby decided to transfer to that public school in the fall and so we visited and registered and planned out her new path and that was odd but completely right at the same time.

Then Noah graduated from High School and it was over.  Now all the choices are his.  If there are things he wants to achieve, knowledge he wants to gain, friends he wants to make it is now entirely up to him.  Sure I’m here…but he doesn’t really want mama’s unsolicited advice….so he moved out and I gave him a love letter and I watched him drive away and then he called a few hours later for “solicited advice” and I gave it to him but I didn’t solve his problem, he gets to do that.

Interesting, odd, not “normal, weird, strange  year so far…..

In January, I wrote about ABIDE and my hearts desire was to have my “abiding” count.  I believe that God has given me plenty of opportunity to test that hearts desire of mine and by His grace and mercy, He has received all the glory and my faith is stronger.

About that letter to my son….I said lots of sappy things that moms will say to their sons as they leave because its the deep feelings of a momma’s heart but I also shared wisdom with him. Things like Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe. Proverbs 8:26 AND remember Noah The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction Prov 1:7 AND Dear Son: Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the LORD and turn away from evil. Prov 3:7

And then I shared with him the prayer I will be praying for him every day and every night:

That God will pursue Noah, and do everything it takes to grab his heart and make it His own! And that Noah in turn, would abandon all that this world has to offer in exchange for the One and Only Living God. 


….partner with me in praying that prayer for Noah.  I saw the power of prayer bring my husband back to life and I will abide with God until this prayer is answered as well.  May we ALL abandon all this world has to offer in exchange for the One and Only living God.

Let it be so for Noah….let it be so…..


What if he had died?

My last post generated hundred’s of you to stop by my blog for a visit.  This caused me to pray for you as you had an opportunity to read about our adventure and wondered about the questions you were asking yourself and the questions you were asking God about such challenges in life.  I thought of two questions I might have, if I was in your shoes…..

  1. What if he had died?
  2. Would God have been there for you if you weren’t walking a holy life?

I’ll start with the second one because I am most amazed that God was with us so closely and so personally, when we are such broken and messed up individuals.  I’ll speak for myself here but I am pretty confident Brek would jump on my band wagon.  We are broken, sinful, desperate human beings.  We have not yet arrived to this holy place you think may exist for people like us, that seek God and feebly attempt to live for Him

God showed up despite our sin.  In fact, God shows up because of our sin!  I know you’ve heard it before but while we were yet sinners, God sent His son to pay the debt of our sin (past, present, future).  Jesus died the death we deserved and reconciled our debt so that we can have a restored relationship with the God of all creation.  When we believe that with all that we are (heart and mind), our debt of sin is cancelled, we don’t have to pay because Jesus paid and God sees us as the inheritors of Christ’s righteousness.

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Cor. 5:21

So you see, the only thing that we have is Jesus.  His righteousness is ours because we have faith in the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ for us.  It doesn’t mean we are without sin.  We….I….am not.  I am and was chief sinner, before the heart attack, during the heart attack and even now.  I am sinful.  True, I’m ever being changed into the likeness of my savior because I seek after Him and WANT desperately to bring Him glory.  BUT….despite my sin, GOD WAS THERE.  You do not need any secret sauce or special equation to receive the EXACT same grace and mercy we received during our trial.  You simply need to believe and trust.

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9

This  may not be your time to trust Jesus and I’m ok with that.  I love you right where you are and just who you are but I know that someday even you will have the opportunity to believe.  The bible tells us that one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord (Phil 2:10-11).  That means you too!  Personally, I am thankful that God has called me to faith in Him NOW…I needed Him last month and I have no idea how tragic life would be if not for GOD.  I also know that there will come a time when it will be to late to believe.  This world is not intended to last forever, we get one shot to get it right and the only right way is Faith in Jesus.  Without it you will be responsible to pay the debt of your own sin.  Please don’t wait to long to turn and trust.

Question #1  What if he had died?

I would have cried more and longer.  I would have had to make some hard decisions.

I would have still given God Glory.  I would have still rejoiced in His faithfulness. If he had died, I would still proclaim that God is in charge, I would have still proclaimed His goodness and I would be ok.

Our church would still have come to our side and walked along with me as we navigated the strange waters.  They still would have prayed, they still would have fed me and they still would have given toward our financial need.  PEOPLE, if you do not have a church that responds to your needs and your celebrations this way, then find one!  The church is meant to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  I look forward to the opportunity to be this to another church family member when given the chance.  We are blessed by our church.

And finally, if he had died, I would have celebrated!

Brek believes with all of his heart the truth of Philipians 1:21 “to live is Christ, to die is gain”.  If he had died he would have GAINED big time.  I know this and He knows this.  This does not mean we live to die, it just means we understand life is precious but to die means we gain wholeness and eternal life. Its the destination we long for, its our destiny.

We believed this before the heart failure but we believe it even more now.  We cherish LIFE!  We intend to cherish it more and to live it more for Christ then ever before!  But we know that to die is gain and when that time comes we will celebrate.


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