Sharing My Heart

4 weeks ago

It has been 4 weeks since I walked into my bedroom to find my husband dead.  I know that seems a little harsh and morbid but it was real.  He was not alive.  I remember he had texted me to tell me that he was having chest pain again.   He had had some chest pain about 5 days prior that he attributed to acid re-flux and it went away after reclining on the bed for a bit.  He was going to try that again.  I called him and he sounded fine.  He wasn’t in distress.  He didn’t see an immediate need to go to urgent care or seek medical attention. He really thought he would be fine.

He was’t fine.  His eyes were open a bit and his face looked like it was in distress but he was lifeless.  “Call 911, Abby, Abby”…..She came in as I was calling 911 and searching through the drawer in the bathroom for the Nitro tablets.  We knew he was a candidate for a heart attack.  His dad started his heart disease journey at age 35.  My beloved was 45, in excellent health, exercising regularly, eating well, no smoking, no drinking, under the care of a cardiologist who was helping to monitor and manage some cholesterol issues, he was not on deaths door. He was strong and healthy and alive.

I told the 911 operator that my husband was dead and I needed help.  She walked me through every step of the way.  Remove any pillows, get him flat.  “Abby, help, grab his ankles.  We are going to get him on the floor.  Ready…1,2,3″.  220lbs lifted by two tenacious German women, down to the ground.

7 minutes of CPR…”Abby I really need to you help me, I need a break, I can’t do this any more”.  Abby takes my place.  1,2,3,4 1,2,3,4.  The 911 operator counted, told us to keep going.  After a couple minutes I took over again and Abby went to look for the EMS response team.  12 minutes after calling for help the Deschutes County Sheriff arrived….well 7 Deschutes County Sheriff’s arrived.  They did the first defibrillation and asked me to let them know when I was getting tired.  “I’m tired!!”  Ok.  They took over, I went to the deck and together Abby and I prayed.  I made some calls to key people: Brek’s mom, My Mom and our community group leader at Church.

We kept praying. Pleading.  Calling out.

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. Psalm 18:6

Was that Scott?  Scott was walking up our driveway.  A good friend to Brek and a lifeline to us!  Next my brother came tearing up the street, jumped the fence, ran up the driveway and into our house.  I don’t remember when I was hugged so strongly by him.

The EMT’s shocked him 11 times at home.   They worked on him in our bedroom for what seemed like an eternity!  Finally, about 45 minutes after I had found him, he was en-route to the hospital.  That was a good sign right?

Abby drove me, Scott followed behind and Aaron met us there.  Before I could take it all in, Neal, our pastor was there, Dave our community group leader and my best friend, Bre came in.  Bre is my heart!  We all prayed.  We waited.  I was able to go back in the ER to see him.  They explained to me that he was temporarily stable, he needed to be taken back to the ‘cath lab’ to determine the extent of damage to his heart. I was in shock and scared and helpless. Tom, the BIG ER nurse looked me in the eye, “I promise to take care of your husband”.  Something in his gentle strength made me believe that this was true.  Tom had my back and he would do what needed to be done.

Over the next few hours we heard at least 3 code blues….his heart wasn’t wanting to beat.

They placed a stint in one artery, everything else was fine.  The blocked artery was in the area of the heart that gives the timing to the beat.  Since that was broken, the heart couldn’t pick up the beat message and that is why it was having trouble working, even with all of the CPR and shocks he received.  He needed to be kept in a cold resting state, still assisted with breathing for 24-72 hours.  I was able to see him, he was in distress, he was not resting.  His eyes were closed and he was not responsive but he was agitated. I was helpless to help him and felt alone.  Go home and sleep they said.

Mom and Dad Paul had arrived and we all went home to, sleep?

In case you wondered, you don’t sleep after an evening like this.  There is NO WAY!  You can pray and cry and shake.  That is what you do.

The next morning I hurried back to the hospital.  As the morning went on, friends and family poured into the ICU waiting room and we waited.  What were we waiting for?  I’m honestly not sure.  But then it came.  Two doctors wanted to have a family meeting.  Was this the end?  Was it time to decide to let him go?

Mom and Dad Paul and I sat in the room while the Doctor told us, his organs were failing. Cardiogenic shock.  Heart was functioning at 15%, Kidneys were shutting down and the liver was dying.  They could do one procedure to give the heart support but after that they were at the end of their ability to care for the patient and he needed to be flown to OHSU in Portland.  Would I give them permission to transfer?

Is there an option?  Does anyone ever say, “no, don’t transfer my beloved?”

I said goodbye to him and he looked at me.  Heidi, my pastor’s wife, read psalm 23 and we prayed with him.  He still wasn’t present in the body. His eyes were empty.  I let him go.  I told him to do what Jesus was leading him to do and whatever that was we could trust.  He flew away.

4 hours later, I was on my way to the ICU room at OHSU.  I prepared myself for the worst.  He was probably going to  have to be on a bypass machine until his heart got healthy, he would probably still be in a coma, he may be a transplant patient.  This was going to be a long road ahead and it may end up that he’d never come home.

As I rounded the corner to his room, he was sitting up drinking water and eating ice chips.

WHAT?!!! IN THE WORLD???

Turns out he didn’t need the big machines at OHSU.  He just needed a $50,000 airplane ride and a new view.

Three days after he had died in our bedroom, my husband was sitting in a chair and walking around the ICU.  He was alive!

We had a rough go of it.  He went home 6 days after the initial event.  We returned to the hospital 2 times since then and are now dealing with pulmonary emboli (lung blood clots), but HE IS ALIVE!  He is strong.  He is loving.  He is reset.

I am accounting for this day in History here on my blog because this is where all things are written and stored.  To remember and rejoice.  To cry and to laugh.  To be a marker of where I have been and where I am going!  Sometimes it is beneficial for others to read but mostly its beneficial for me to write!

As you can imagine, the faith journey I have been on, carries with it many lessons and opportunities for God to be glorified!  I will share with you over the  next few weeks, all of these great things!  The last 4 weeks have been nothing but miraculous!  There is no other medical explanation for where we are today except luck or God.  We know it was God.

He did it, we participated and now we Glorify!

 

 

 

 

An Easter Message

I didn’t know what to expect.  I knew it was a “hail mary” to send him up to another hospital for care.  He didn’t look good when I last saw him.  I had nothing to trust in but the hope of my Savior and His resurrection power.

“no guilt in life, no power of death, this is power of Christ in me”

Even if he was still alive, what kind of life would it be?  Did we do the right thing in trying to save it?  Was Jesus calling him home and I was trying to stop it?  Could I interfere with God’s power to take a life?  After all, isn’t God sovereign over all things?

For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him?
    His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?” Isaiah 27:14

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They found the tomb empty.  He was not there.  Where had they taken their master, friend, brother, leader, beloved?  The angels declared, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; He has risen! Remember how He told you that He would be turned over to sinful men, be crucified, and rise again on the third day!” Mathew 28, Luke 24
Others came to see the empty tomb, they went away amazed and confused.  But Mary Magdalene stayed behind.  She sat crying.  Suddenly she saw Jesus standing there, but she did not recognize Him at first. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who are you looking for?” Mary thought He must be the gardener and said, “Sir, if you have taken Him away, tell me where, and I will take Him!” Jesus said, “Mary!” Then she recognized Him and exclaimed, “Master!”
Jesus said, “Don’t hold on to me, because I have not yet returned to the Father. But go to my disciples and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'”
Then Mary Magdalene went and said to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord!”, and she told them everything that had happened.
He had risen!  Death had been defeated!  Our hope was sure!  Our God was faithful!

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As I rounded the corner I saw him, sitting up, sipping water and crunching ice chips.  How could this be?  Wasn’t he just in immediate critical condition?  Life hanging in balance.  Heart functioning at 15%, Kidneys shutting down, liver incapacitated, breathing tube….. not living.  BUT GOD…. “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

I know how Mary Magdalene felt when she knew her master lived!  I’m not comparing Jesus resurrection to my beloved’s gift of life but I am declaring that the same resurrection power that raised Jesus up on Easter morning, is the same power that was bestowed upon us all for life eternal!  I am saying that because of the resurrection I HAD HOPE!  I HAD TRUST!  I HAD A REASON TO FOR FAITH!

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

I have had many opportunities to doubt all things God over the last 3 weeks but by the Mercy and Grace given me, I instead was able to rest in the faith that had been offered to me by God Himself.  Instead of doubt there was trust. Instead of deep fear there was oddly peace.  Instead of anger there was expectation.  Instead of death there was life.

I am not special.  I am a broken human being with lots of hang-ups and some pretty messed up life patterns, but all of that is covered in the blood of the cross and the resurrection of Jesus.  He died in my place, His righteousness is my righteousness and His life is my hope.  It is yours as well.  There is no person too far gone that is exempt from the Grace of God.  He freely gave his son as the payment of the price of your sin so that you could have your debt erased and be put into a right relationship with the God of all creation.  Your only job is to believe and spend the rest of your days living to bring Glory to God!

Jesus Christ is Risen today!

Not My Own

Hi Mom!

If your new to this blog you’ll quickly recognize that I write these things for my self and my mom is my number one fan.  You are welcome to join us and you can even click to follow this blog, over there on the right.  It’s March and this is blog number 3 for 2017, which may blow out the total number of blogs written last year…haha.  That’s a good sign for this year of ABIDE.

Here’s what ABIDE has looked like for me this year:

I’m deep into the writing of the exam answers for the ACBC Biblical Counseling exam.  In order to answer questions like: “Provide an explanation of and the biblical basis for the doctrine of substitutionary atonement, explaining the implications of this doctrine for human guilt over sin. Relate your understanding of this to the concept of false guilt.” , you need to have a fair (read overabundance) amount of abiding!! Who comes up with these questions anyway? I am so desperate for the intervention of the Holy Spirit in answering these questions that I SEEK Him desperately.  ABIDE.

I’m also currently counseling 3 lovely ladies through some really tough stuff.  As I prepare for each meeting I find myself completely useless and without any measure of ability to offer help, apart from the Good News of Jesus Christ.  And so, I Abide.  I beseech the Lord for His wisdom, for His healing, for His work.  I have nothing to offer, I am inadequate for these women but MY GOD is adequate, He is all Sufficient. ABIDE.

This morning my precious family slept in, well except the dogs…they are raring to go first thing and really love their routine of go outside, come in, eat, go outside, come in sleep, go outside….I get up with the dogs because I really love the routine of letting the dogs out, drinking coffee and Abiding!  I have 3 devotionals right now that I’m addicted too:

New Morning Mercies by Paul Tripp…..GO GET IT< OH MERCY

Faith Alone by Martin Luther….EVERY GOOD LUTHERAN READS MARTIN LUTHER

My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers….CLASSIC GOODNESS

Today, I was blessed to abide from 6:30-9:00 a.m. Blessed I tell you!  and then I got all sucked up into 1 Corinthians 6:19

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  you are not your own, for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God in your body.

You are not your own, Tracy, you were bought with a price.  It cost the life of God’s son to redeem you.  It was not without sacrifice, it was not without pain, it was not without sorrow, but it was for God’s glory and it was to purchase you.  Tracy, you are not your own, you are God’s precious and dear daughter.  So, glorify God in your body.

Ya’ll this is not about working out or not eating pork or abstaining from GMO products.  Although, I did just start a 30 day Isagenix cleanse and I can tell you that my body is pretty happy….no, this is about your doing.  The whole context of this verse is about fleeing sexual immorality but God led me down the path of understanding today that this verse applies to my doing or my not doing.

Whether it be sexual immorality, or over eating, or not getting the rest you need or whatever, it’s not yours to abuse your body.  You don’t own it! You were bought with a price. Glorify God.

Now, my mind took this a step further and as I struggle with the FULLNESS of my everyday, work, family, counseling, church, study, etc….every minute is taken and I can sometimes feel weary.  But this morning I was refreshed to see that my body is not my own.  It was bought with price and my doing, my work is not my own.  The owner of the slave dictates what he does.  My owner is God Almighty and as He offers me my daily duties, I work as unto Him.  If He wills that I have full days, then I  have full days.  If he has 3 (or more) people that need to be a part of my life right now, to be gently led through their adversity, then its His work I’m doing not my own.  If my business ramps up by His blessing, and work is busy, then it’s His work I do because its His body I inhabit.

Do you see the freedom and joy in this?

Not my body.  Not my work. Not my own.

Abide

 

 

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